Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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