I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
