She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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