I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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