"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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