I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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