then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
