Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
