Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
