So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
