There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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