Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
