I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
