And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
