everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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