Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think my vagina is haunted
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
