seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
