i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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