By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
