i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
