I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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