What a fucking waste of an outfit
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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