I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
