My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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