Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
