I want to walk on stilts...naked
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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