i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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