Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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