whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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