and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize