i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
