Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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