Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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