I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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