So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
