insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
