What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
