Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The power of my boobs compel you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
