Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
