I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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