i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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