This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
