Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm at about main and main street
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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