Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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