My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
