You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
