anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
