hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
