Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
