got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
