my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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