Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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