trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
